As a mother, I am stereotypical in the way that I always put everybody’s needs before mine. Plus I’m a people pleaser anyway.
When I started this blog, I actually made the decision to start making more of an effort to put my needs first, if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Hence the name I chose for my blog, Lisa first, Wife second, Mom third, everything else falls where it may.
However, as with most things, and not much time, I slipped back into my old habits. Then every time I would type, write, or read the name of my blog, I would feel a bit guilty.
Well, this week I’ve listened to the universe and in many small ways, it’s been reminding me that I have to put myself first, and the rewards of doing it. First, I read Jillian’s Glamour on a Daily Basis post that talked about taking the time to make yourself look good, wear the false eyelashes if you want, even just around the house, etc. Hellooo, big reminder as I sat there having not washed my hair in two days! I also read Rita’s Overload Protection post, where she talks about listening to the universe.
Then I was faced with a slightly uncomfortable work situation, which I first tried to ignore. But I kept hearing about work problems others around me were having at the same time, and it forced me to examine what was best for me and act on it. I pushed thru the discomfort, willing to deal with the reaction or consequences.
Also, I was asked for favors by two separate people. Like I said, I am a people-pleaser, so I will often rearrange my life to please others, and both times started to do it. However, both times, my hubby happen to call me right in the middle of it and question what I was doing. So I listened and offered to help in ways that were also convenient for me, and guess what? It worked out fine.
Lastly, last week I stressed about making time to see someone special when the only day they could do it was also a day that I was offered a paid study. Now, anyone following my blog knows, I need the money, however, I really felt like I should take this one date I was offered to see this person. I kept putting off making the plans and the study director had to call me back twice for various reasons, which kept nagging at me. I finally decided my priority right now is the money for my family and offered alternative dates to meet. Finally, that person had a family emergency that has taken them out of the loop for the next several weeks. Had I given in to the original date, I would have passed up this money making opportunity AND been sitting at home kicking myself.
Had I not been really in-tune, trying to figure out why some other things in my life are happening, I probably would have missed these things. My hubby calling while I was making plans and telling me to stop helping everyone is not unusual; the study director having to call me back two times would not have happened if I had just told her no the first time, etc.
I’m sure I’ll fall back into putting the kids, and the world’s needs first, but hopefully I’ll pull myself back again and again, and it will become more of the norm. Are you good at putting yourself first? Do you believe that your priority should be you?
Lisawifemom's Blog 
I think that this is true for most women, Lisa…we are wired to be nurturers which is a natural part of being mothers! I too have lived my life mainly as a people pleaser. For me, when others are not happy around me, I cannot be happy! but it is also true that when I am unhappy, the people around me know it! I applaud you for learning to listen to yourself more carefully and making choices based on what your intuition tells you is right, even if it means not doing everything everyone else wants you to do…it sounds as though you have a very supportive husband, which is huge! As you indicated for yourself, I probably will never feel comfortable putting myself first in all instances, but sometimes it is really in the best interests of everyone if we listen to what our hearts are telling us and choose to do what we feel is right for us. The only time I think that is wrong is if it translates to being selfish in a negative sense by hurting someone else in the process, but when it simply means protecting ourselves and keeping ourselves healthy, then it is a good thing!
Hi Donna, I totally agree with you, putting yourself first in order to take care of yourself and not let people take advantage is huge, however, being selfish and causing negativity in others’ lives is not the same thing. I’d venture to guess that those selfish people would never even have the conversation or questioning that we are now! <-;
It’s hard to remember that we need to take care of ourselves or we won’t be able to take care of others. Particularly as a mother. But the mother bear has to feed and protect herself in order to raise healthy cubs, and so do we. There should be a word to describe this, one like selfish, without all the negative connotations. Something short and catchy that we could post on the mirror.
“I’m not selfish, I’m ______.”
Hi Kerry, I love the mother bear thing, that’s exactly it. Just like on the airplane when they say first secure your oxygen and then help your children; it sounds not right to me as a mother, but I know it logically makes sense.
Yes, a word, that would be perfect. Maybe the word is survivor. 🙂
Here is the thing…I am a bit selfish with my time…actually more than just a bit. I have always known that that I need a fair amount of time alone. When I don’t get my alone time, I get really frazzled and I’m of no use to anyone. I commend you on seeing your patterns and really taking the time to care for yourself first.
Darcie
http://www.discoveringdelicious.com
Devoted to finding all things delicious.
Darcie, it’s really awesome that you know that about yourself, and more importantly, that you take care to make it happen. That’s one of the greatest gifts you can give to your family.
Thanks for posting.
I think as women we go through stages. There are the times that we have our kids at the forefront because they are infants or little children who really need us. Our needs get pushed back. Our marriage becomes secondary. Yet, to remain healthy, we need to realign ourselves from time to time or we will eventually falter causing much chaos. I feel that time comes as our kids get older and less dependent on us (at least at times). It is a journey…
Molly, I can only imagine what you’re saying, it does seem like that as they get older I will have more time for myself and this will get easier. The marriage is another thing, for another post. 🙂
I am completely crap at putting myself first! But improving. It’s so easy to do it for a while and then keep on slipping back into putting everyone else first. Someone told me a really good thing to say that gives you space to only say yes to what suits you and that is ‘that doesn’t work for me, however….’ and then you come back with the alternative suggestion that does work for you. This really works! It just gives you a little bit of quick thinking room or you can even say ‘however, I can check our schedules and let you know….’ if you need even more breathing room. Can you tell I’m also a people pleaser? ;). I must say it’s something that’s become even more important since becoming a coach on SNCC as clients can become invasive online if boundaries are not created and I allow it.
Louise Edington
Fabulous and Fearless
http://louiseedington.com
Oh so true Louise, those are great statements to use if you need to buy time. I shall put them to practice ASAP because I’ve already fallen back into my old ways this week.
Most of my patients are women, and as I address their health concerns, I remind them to take care of themselves. As we often hear in an airplane ‘please put on your oxygen mask first, before helping anyone traveling with you’ – what good are you to your family if you are sick, tired and not motivated? If we just take out 15 minutes (or an hour) out of our day and nourish our souls – we are so much more present to take care of everyone else in our lives. Your blog post will resonate with every woman out there trying to juggle the wife:mom:entrepreneur bit!
Jaspreet Mundeir, ND
http://www.suratnaturopathic.com
Thanks for the Jaspreet, I’m sure it will be a familiar tune to oh so many moms out there!
I use to be the type of person that would put others before myself. Then I realized I was putting a lot of pressure on myself which was causing stress and overwhelm.
So I decided to take a stand for myself and put myself first. Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t help others but it does mean that I do say no to some things now.
I set my boundaries and I know when enough is enough. I do feel the priority should be me because if I am not well then how am I going to be there for others.
I feel that it is important to put ourselves at the TOP of our priority list.
Thank you for being so real in your post and sharing your thoughts. I feel your heart in it.
You matter 🙂
xoxo
Alara
Thanks Alara, I am truly working on it, and it’s a challenge. Funny thing is, I sometimes find myself telling other moms that they are not putting themselves first, etc. Always easier said than done.
We women all have that problem. I don’t always get dressed up or put on makeup unless I go out. So that’s time I don’t give myself to pamper myself. I don’t give myself the 10 minutes plus a day to sit in meditation. my spiritual self needs a higher priority. I’m feeling consumed with writing right now. I go in spurts like that. I need to look at balance a bit more. Thanks for sharing.
Julieanne Case
Always from the heart!
Blog: http://www.julieannecasefromtheheart.com
Reconnecting you to your essence, joy, vitality, youth.| Healing you from the Inside Out |Reconnective Healing | AgeLoc Skin Care | Pharmanex Supplements
http://www.thereconnectivehighway.com
I hear ya Julieanne, make it a priority for yourself! Hopefully the spurts will be fewer in between.
i think like everything else balance is key and also it can depend on the situation. many times i have made myself something to eat and the kids come in hungry so i gave it to them…but I was ok with that, i never felt deprived, mad or resentful about it. But i think a lot of it has to do with personality too, i am very easy going and hardly ever get rattled so I don’t often have those feelings. I do find time for myself, my kids are very respectful of that and don’t demand my time when they see I am doing something for myself. I do sometimes put others before myself, but I am ok with that. It does not affect how i feel about me.
Julie Labes: The Fun-Loving, Feisty, Fearless, Frisky, Fierce Over 50 Traveler
I want to reach through the screen, give you a hug, and tell you “been there, done that… and will probably do it again.” My new mission is to help moms put the “me” back in “momME,” to get over the mommy guilt, to realize that it’s ok… no, not ok… imperative that we make time for ourselves, to be a little selfish, and recharge. We want to give, but if we run to empty, we can’t do that very well, can we? That is the focus of my new blog. I found “momME” when I started my own business, and I only started that when I came to the realization that I wasn’t going out because my skin looked horrible and made me feel like crap about myself. I’ve since unmasked my radiance and awakened my sparkle through this journey and can’t wait to share more of that with other moms like you and me who need to learn to be a little selfish because it’s the only way to truly be selfless the rest of the time.
(Ann — the above post was from me! Forgot to switch the log in)
Absolutely. If my priority is not me then what good am i to anyone else. OK, that’s a belief but I don’t always act on it, just like you. I tend to be a caretaker and sometimes put others needs before mine. I’m also a people pleaser and that gets in my way too. When I do put myself first, everything works out better for everyone. When Mom’s happy, everyone’s happy!! 🙂
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://www.susanberland.com
I think it’s ok to sometimes put others first, otherwise, self-care turns into self-centeredness (not a word but I keep using.) It’s when we perpetually ignore our own needs and allow others to ignore them that it’s a problem. I’ve always been good at looking after myself – I think it’s great that you are noticing and adjusting when you need to.
Agree with Pat…people worry that putting themselves first all of a sudden means all they care about is “me” and they are selfish. For me it is about pacing, what I can and can not handle and being able to go the distance. The constant juggling and balancing act. I have learned that when I say “No” to someone or something because I can not do it or it isn’t working for me, I don’t feel guilty. I genuinely want to help people so if I’m saying “no” there is a reason and guilt is a waste… Brandy 🙂
Hi Lisa,
Like so many people here are saying: Striking an effective, flexible balance is crucial. Giving too much “me” or too little creates problems that remind us to re-balance. I can imagine how all your important responsibilities can grow to consume too much of your life, if you let them. Re-prioritize and you’ll be a greater help to yourself, your family, and your business. Easy for me to say, though. I’m not a mom, but I do manage a business and balance it with a busy family life. Cheers!
Robbie
Lisa
You are spot on, I find that when I make decisions on what’s best for me, everyone around normally benefits. Its those times when I’m trying to do too much or squeeze in one last thing that I tend to get in a little overload trouble. Thankfully I don’t have kids to juggle (yet) but I do struggle at times to manage a healthy balance between “me” time and work time.
So good to hear your progress, Lisa…and with it, increased awareness. I think that is so important because while we can work on this kinds of genuine change for years, it is progress that matters most! All that forward movement that seems so incremental is quietly building into inevitable and irreversible shifts that show up sometimes when we least expect it. I love those astonishing moments where I can see how I have truly emodied something that once was so foreign. Thanks for sharing your momentum with us!
Awww, thanks for the mention Lisa! And as you know I do feel the universe talking to me….just not such a good listener! And as you’ve probably done already – we all fall back into putting the kids first….especially ours, lol! Double the fun, the work, and the rewards:) YES, we need time for ourselves to survive….baby steps, to get back to where we once were before kids, finding ourselves again! Sending you hugs……thanks for sharing your personal post with us:)
Rita Brennan Freay
http://ritabrennanfreay.com
@Rita4kids