Forewarning: This is a post I started writing several months ago, and have added bits and pieces to since then, so it’s not aimed at anyone in particular. 🙂
When you try to limit or eliminate toxic people from your life, do they turn it around and say you’re not being supportive? If I try and try again to be supportive, understanding, and help a person that is having some “issues,” only to continue to receive those “oh, whoas me” calls, then I’ve done all I can. I can not make someone take the steps that they need to improve their lives, whether it be stop using, leave that bum, focus on the positive, or whatever, when a person calls for the same advice over and over, it gets exhausting. It also becomes toxic sometimes.
I have felt the life being sucked out of me at times. I start to feel so responsible, obsess over how I can help, and why that person isn’t seeing what’s so damn obvious to the rest of the world, etc. It starts to affect my life. And if it’s someone who I really love, I’m willing to take that blow, for a bit. However, I don’t care how much I love you, who you are, I can only give you my all for so long, then I gotta get that damaging behavior out of my life! I’m sorry, I feel for ya, I hate to see it happen, however, I’ve got my family to worry about, and if you’re not willing to help yourself, then all my help is in vain, and I’m done, I can’t watch it anymore.
Do you continuously try to fix the same people, with their same problems, at any expense? Or can you only give so much, care so much, and then you must move on?
Lisawifemom's Blog 
Hi Lisa – wow, you describe the dilemma of having a toxic person in your life really well. It’s so hard when you care about someone’s wellbeing more than they seem to for their self.
One thing’s for sure, you can’t just keep taking the damage, so something has to change. As a professional who works with this issue could I suggest you think about some small changes that may make things more acceptable for you.
You might, for instance, find a way of limiting the time of your phone calls or meetings. And instead of offering fixes that are constantly rejected, you could try different tactics – asking your friend what she could do about it, for instance.
It’s also important for you to consider whether your sense of responsibility and loyalty are misplaced. Re-assessing your feelings here can be quite releasing, both in the way you feel and in your ability to make changes to your relationship.
It’s not always easy to see that you have a range of options open to you when you are so involved, but by taking a step back you’ll see that there are lots of different ways of changing things and detoxifying your relationship.
Hi Andrew, thanks for the tips, always good to take a look from the outside. 🙂
Lisa
Lisa…as a Certified Coach, I come across a lot of people who want me to ‘fix them’…certainly not the coaching format. On the personal level, I have some friends/family who constantly use up my energy–no bueno! For both my personal and professional self, I have to step away from those toxic relationships, if even temporarily, so I can regroup. That plays true too with a grief group I volunteer for. I can’t let one or two bad apples ruin me for the “rest of ’em”, which includes me right up on top of the stack!’
Thanks for being persistent with writing this blog…it’s a topic we all need to be aware of.